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A Christmas Card to E. L. Kirchner
Merry Christmas Ernst!, These things are still here, held on an indrawn breath: the garden, a tree. … Your place in this luminous gray, looking for skull. The confectionary – your beloved Alps – are where you left them, the last time I looked. Cold solitude is another way of telling deception, telling the brush, about that which will just not stir … calm, bold. This is the way that Alexander, John, Mark told it … And the one about the snowman who says to another one, “is it me, or can you smell carrots?” … Absence, forgetting – the name of the thing one sees – and doubtless soon, the unnameable. These are not the heralded players – Blason du beau Tétin, Blason du Sourcil … Contre Blason du Tétin … nonetheless, there are shades of a dawn … a table top vermillion … bread dust, mackerel skin, cheese rind. … From the kitchen window Ernst, I can see a blue pine tree.
Dreaming of Hedgehog
My dream is I am standing in a dusting of snow on the farm road which passes the garden gate. The gate is open, held open by an old brick as usual (the route that Hedgehog favours on her afternoon walk in the neighbourhood) and as there is no wind, the wild rose bushes and trees are motionless. It’s quiet. It’s cold, but I’m kept warm by a heavy greatcoat. The ground is luminous. The sky a very dark grey. The snow comes on again, big heavy flakes now, as an Angel, looking across the fields towards the river, appears near the steadings at the end of the road, followed soon after by the tinkling sound of little bells. Hedgehog approaches me, and goes past, leaving little grey daubs behind on the ground, and I see that she has hung around her neck a pale blue ribbon with tiny pink bells. She looks and sounds very pretty (and she knows that I think this as well) as she goes on her way towards the serene Angel who has turned to face her.
Hiding in Housework
Winter has at last come / Unmistakably, even to my cottage / In the land of Tsu, / Which lies hidden / Among the rush-leaves. Minamoto No Shigeyuki (d.1000) Trans., Arthur Waley.
Grey clouds in the sky over the stubble field where last Saturday I walked with my step-daughter through waist high sheaf’s of green-golden wheat … There is little more I can say about this short walk which continued a morning of playing in the little wood near to where we live; climbing trees, searching the soft floor of the wood for “bits of things”, telling each other about how the deer sleep in the small cleared patches of dirt near to fallen tree trunks and rhododendron, wondering what they might dream about – except to speak of my love for her … the warm breeze in the trees and through the tall grasses, and then, more love … In reverie, I recalled this – and more besides – as I washed breakfast dishes, surfaces, looking at the landscape outside, at my big brown Japanese wave, Wyatt in the other room. The “hiding” is twofold. Both forms necessary, if equality is up for discussion. Sweeping, dusting, doing the laundry, washing the dishes … “takes my mind off things”, but they also help “place my mind on things”, washing the dishes especially … seemingly mundane, repetitive tasks or chores may be a portal to understanding, self-knowledge, feeling (as many modern and contemporary art practices have shown). But washing dishes, more than the others, is – for me – dependent on light, on their being light, on my being able to see what I see from the kitchen window; the rising wave of landscape that I have looked at near daily for years … As winter approaches and it gets darker and darker, my enjoyment of this is curtailed, restricted to a few daylight hours – in the evening, at night, the glass of the window turns in fading light into a mirror and all I see is a man, looking back at me, puzzled.
Bunny
One evening, a short while ago, I finished speaking with my mother on the phone and remained at the open door to the kitchen watching the sky and the night-clouds come in. The day before I had travelled home from Geneva (via Alloa to collect my car) at one stage driving past the tens of thousands of people within the corrugated steel wall that is the outsiders view of ‘T in the Park’.
A hare, quietly, but not overly cautious, came to where I was standing, stopped momentarily in front of me (I could have reached down and stroked it) and without turning its head to look at me, went silently, over the grass and into the small wood that is on one side of the garden. (How did I know it was a hare and not a big rabbit? In the spring, I helped my young friend C. make a drawing using rocks and pebbles on the heath where we were camped by Culra bothy. To do this we collected shapes and colours from the stream, and set them down in place. It was not as we played that C. told me how she tells the difference between the two – by the colour at the tips of their ears – it was on another occasion, some time later, if for now these two moments for me sit side by side … while sometimes, though sadly to frequently, I am amazed by “the little things” I do not know).
During the conversation with my mother she happened to mention that my brother and his wife had been at ‘T in the Park’ … And I remember … And I now saw them, imagined them, in the field … on the other side of the wall as I drove past them … without looking …
Photography credits: the second, third and fifth photographs by C.








































